Real Women Can’t Wear Pants – The Denim Test

photo by A. Martinelli

This nation has a crack epidemic and if you are a woman ages 2-60, chances are you’re a victim of it. Let me explain. I sometimes spot Stacy London of What Not to Wear at my local coffee shop. This always induces zen-like self-awareness, about my attire. Sitting down with my coffee, I pulled the back of my jeans up in a move I’ve come to mindlessly coordinate every time I sit. You’ve seen the move I speak off—the hike and wiggle—because you do it too! With Ms. London across the room from me, I suddenly realized none of my pants fit! Why is it so hard to buy affordable pants that cover one’s butt? Complete backside coverage should be implied when it comes to pants, even the casual, inexpensive kind. Yet it seems like an extra that gets thrown in only if you buy $200 plus jeans. Come on! Everyone knows the bottoms of the proletariat are dressed in denim. Rosie the Riveter didn’t hang her wrench from pricey dungarees and yet they reliably covered her tush. With the Democratic Party on the heels of nominating either a Socialist or a woman, I demand affordable jeans that both flatter and fit!

Meditating on the seat of my pants, I realized the truth. My jeans don’t fit for more reasons than just my exposed butt crack. They create love handles that I don’t usually have. Some have inexplicable pre-drawn lines emanating from the fly. I can only speculate that designers think pants should exaggerate crotch wear and tear or tease at the idea that the zipper might spontaneously erupt at any moment. Some of my jeans have Incredible Hulk-type rips because apparently my thighs are so powerful. In fact, I look better naked than I do in most of my pants. Admit it. So do you. Of course real women wear pants, but many of us have a lot of trouble with jeans that going up in size doesn’t resolve. Either jeans are not designed for the female form, or I am just choosing unwisely.

I decided I owed it to myself and Stacy London to rid myself of ill fitting jeans and learn how to buy jeans that fit properly. So I devised a quick easy denim test to determine which of my jeans to keep and which to toss. And guess what? None of my jeans passed the test! So if any of you have size 6 jeans that don’t have any weird lines, please drop them off because I am currently trapped in my home pants-less and I really need to pick up my kids at school. No! Actually one pair did pass the test. By now you should be on the edge of your seat to hear more about my revolutionary test, but unfortunately your pants don’t fit. So sit back—way back, with your whole back on the chair— and learn how to perform a denim test yourself.

The Denim Test

Step 1 – Squeeze into those jeans facing a full length mirror. Pull up your shirt to expose your abdomen. Is it a carrot muffin top or an oat bran muffin top? Men, regardless of fitness, never wear pants that cut into their waist and neither should you.

Step 2 – Kneel down. Is your back side completely exposed? As a mom, you do a lot of kneeling down and your rear better not be falling out for the entire playground to see. Is your underwear sticking out? Could your kid’s friend ever say the words, “I like your fuchsia thong,” after you hand him a snack? You shouldn’t have to wear a tunic, perform strange contortions or tie a sweater around your waist to make your pants child friendly.

Step 3 – Still kneeling down, for once in your life allow your stomach to completely hang out. Is your gut hanging over the fly? Stop trying to suck it in. I know you took ballet, pilates, yoga, and went to etiquette school to balance books on your head. In an ideal world we should all stand with good posture and stomach tone, but no one really does that! You shouldn’t have to hold in your stomach to fit into your pants. They should just cover your body, whatever it looks like. You can be comfortable in your pants and still work on your posture.

As you put your jeans through this test, a “Yes” answer to any of the questions means automatic elimination. Don’t be afraid to toss ill fitting pants. If there is one thing I learned from What not to Wear, it’s dress for the body you have today, not the body you hope to have in the future. Together if we take these simple steps I know we can put an end to the crack epidemic and perhaps live more comfortably. Who’s with me?

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