Guidelines for Witches on Election Night

photo by A. Martinelli

According to Huffington Post women have their emotions on lock down until the election ends. Stephanie Schriock, President of EMILY’s List predicts if Hillary wins there will be, “…an emotional release by women across this country that is going to be extraordinary….” And she would know. EMILY’s List has been taking the basal body temperature of the female electorate for some time. And this year it’s particularly cold. I know my pantsuit has been buttoned up tightly for warmth since Hillary announced her candidacy over 500 days ago! If Ms. Schriock is correct, a Hillary win means those pantsuits are about to burst.

For some reason we just haven’t been able to enjoy this election. So I spent the morning breathing ohms out of my uterus. My yoga instructor guided us through a class centered on releasing our reproductive chakra which coincidentally is orange, just like Trump. On Tuesday, women will collectively grab ourselves by our orange power centers and release a primal ohm that will reverberate throughout the nation. Too bad we don’t have the privacy of enclosed voting booths anymore. There are many ways for this “emotional release” to manifest so I thought I’d create some helpful guidelines for behavior on election night in our Momtropolis.

  1. Please bring the kids home before the witching hour. – Not theirs. Yours. It’s a fact that women will become witches late in the evening. I have it on good authority that the Momtropolis will gather for its emotional release on the corner of President St. and Clinton St. It’ll be a child friendly gathering at 7pm, but after 11pm things could reach a feverish climax as the results come in. The 10 Bernie Bros that we turned into Hillary voters may want to attend as we will be reversing the spells and such.
  2. What to expect when you’re expecting a female president? – Side effects of an emotional release may include screaming, crying, laughing, dancing, sweats, speaking in tongs, and eating carbs late at night. I have personally been practicing the art of ululation to unnerve Islamophobes. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at it, so it may just unnerve Islamophones. There are two ways this evening could go—mass hedonism that opens up a demonic portal or 2 women show up yawning in bathrobes to give each other a fist bump before heading back to bed. Given the school lunches we all have to make in the morning, I’m betting on the latter.
  3. No Groping! – Let us have our moment. If you’re lucky we’ll plant one on you like you’re a WWII nurse in Time’s Square. But we’ll ask permission first.
  4. Can I enjoy my reproductive rights? – I’m so glad you asked. Yes, you can! Now that your reproductive rights are protected, you may want to use them. Find a Bernie Bro, just be sure he voted for Hillary and not some 3rd party candidate. 3rd party voters will get none. It goes without saying that sex with Trump supporters is out of the question. However, if you really feel it takes a village to achieve emotional release, we can always sacrifice a few Trump or 3rd party voters in the demonic vortex that is scheduled to open up at midnight. The sacrifice will require you to recite the next day’s To do list interspersed with motivational feminist quotes and dismount without reciprocation.
  5. What not to Wear – Much has been made about acknowledging the suffragettes by wearing white. Some will of course don pantsuits. Others will wear their I’m With Her campaign t-shirts or everyone’s favorite, the Nasty Woman t-shirt. Really anything goes, but well-dressed witches always recommend covering birthmarks, moles, horns, and tails as completely as possible. All are clear signs of communication with the devil. I’m thinking of going in a polyester snuggie because after we join hands in the circle of feminine power, the forces of evil will be promptly released from the aforementioned vortex, and you’ll want to get right back in bed by 12:30 am latest. Tomorrow will be a busy day—now that a woman is president.

  3 comments for “Guidelines for Witches on Election Night

  1. November 10, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    OH, how badly I wished your prediction had come true.
    I thought about it. I believed in it. But I couldn’t make it come true.
    What are we in for?
    As usual, a funny and intelligent blog post, Tone. Keep ’em coming?
    ~em

    • November 10, 2016 at 3:22 pm

      That punctuation was supposed to be an exclamation point! My school PC keyboard gives me trouble – I’m so accustomed to my flat mac keyboard!

    • momtropolis
      November 21, 2016 at 5:07 pm

      Yes, what are we in for? stay tuned.

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